Return to Glory

Football. The South. The two go together like apple pie and ice cream. It’s huge here, to say the least and who doesn't love a good football victory? Have you seen the latest inspiring football movie, Woodlawn? Football brings people and communities together. In our great state of Alabama you, more than likely, are one of two types of fans, Auburn or the "other team." Anybody in Alabama knows who I'm talking about... the Alabama Crimson Tide. If you live in or are from Alabama, you generally decide from an early age to pull for one of the two teams. Usually, your parents steer you in one direction or the other. It’s kind of crazy, but it’s fun! We are a "house divided" as they say. My son, Tucker, and I are Auburn fans. My husband, Chad, however, is an Alabama fan. My daughter, Tess, leans toward Alabama, but honestly she really doesn’t care. Clark David on the other hand, well, let me just say, he cared! He was passionate for his favorite teams and players, Alabama and LeBron James. And, if you knew him, you knew it! He was a huge Alabama fan. He would say “you pull for a winner.” I like to watch college football, but it sure is better when you are pulling for a winning team (LOL!). If he heard me say that he would say, “That’s right” and then start ragging me. It is my favorite sport, but it's not an idol. I don't "bleed" it as some say. Don’t get me wrong, I like it a lot, but it’s just different around our home now. I have a reminder in my kitchen that says, “Enjoy the little things in life for someday you will realize they were the big things.” I miss the “little things”. The hype is gone. Over. Every college football season and professional basketball season my family heard how great Bama and Nick Saban (savior, he would jokingly say) is and how great LeBron is, a.k.a. the king of basketball to Clark David. No more taunting his younger brother, but especially me, his mom. He loved to do that! He loved to give his Auburn friends a hard time, too. Well, he could. Alabama wins, a lot! They still are. I mean they are the national champions, again! Yeah, yeah, we all know, Alabama’s the best and they are going to win the rest of the national championship titles until, well, until the Lord returns. And yes, we know how many national titles they have won, no need of that reminder. He loved to dish it out. Tease and taunt. Whether it was sports or anything, he was usually joking around or kidding with you. If he didn’t like you, he wasn’t giving you a hard time. I'm sure his friends miss that, too. His last Saturday here he was pumped about the upcoming games, trying to get a laugh out of me (which he did), and making fun of one of Auburn's slogans, he texted me: "It's bammmmeeerrr football day whooo whooo Guuuus buuuuuus." He loved to be goofy and remind me with a loud train like sound of "getting on the Gus bus." He always kept me laughing.

Even though he hated Auburn, anything Auburn period, he had planned to attend Auburn University the fall of 2015. Some of his longtime friends attend there and he really liked the campus. He decided to go down to Auburn to visit his friend, Josh (an Auburn fan), the day of the much anticipated 2013 Iron Bowl. I was surprised he was going because I thought, "what if Alabama loses while he is in Auburn?" That would not be good. Unless you don't follow college football or you live under a rock in Alabama, you know what happened. The Tide lost! "Auburn stuns Alabama with last second touchdown in epic Iron Bowl", USA Today wrote. "It was an Iron Bowl for the ages and no one could have predicted the ending." Auburn, not Alabama would now go to Atlanta the next Saturday and play for the SEC title. The usual traditional rolling of the trees for home wins took place that night like no other. Alabama fans like to forget the infamous "kick 6", but Auburn fans treasure it. Yeah, we know, it doesn’t happen much. But, hey, have you got a “second?" These taunts and jokes never get old unless you're on the receiving end. Okay, Alabama is a great team with a great coach, but you’ve got to admit, it was spectacular to see the ESPN SportsCenter moment play out right before your eyes. We all wanted to see again what had just happened! Some fans were shocked as their jaws dropped and mouths opened while others were elated and hoping for no flags. And Auburn didn't even have Cam! "Lucky," is what some may say. My children know I don't like that word. It's not in my vocabulary, just like “accident” isn’t in God’s, nor “karma”, or “chance." I believe everything is providential! The sovereignty of God. After Josh heard the horrific news of his friend, he so graciously framed and gave me a picture of the divinely captured moment that night of him and Clark. To my surprise, they were standing in the middle of what looked to be a snow storm, but of toilet paper hanging from the trees on Toomer's Corner after Auburn's upset. I never would've imagined the day I would see Clark David there, especially right there! I attribute that to God's goodness, grace, and mercy. Only God can design such an event like that and leave such a special gift. I hope it's a reminder to Josh, as he looks at the picture in the future, that just like they were in the middle of that storm of toilet paper, God is in the middle of whatever storms he finds himself in because God brings them. No doubt the memory is priceless to Josh now. My picture hangs in a special place, overlooking the gathering spot in the basement where they once hung out. I treasure it.

After Alabama won the national championship this year, I happened to see Coach Nick Saban’s interview (normally I wouldn’t have listened). When he was asked “how do you respond to loss?" it caught my attention. He answered, “You have to overcome adversity. No one likes to experience loss, but it has the potential to make us better. It doesn’t come easy. It takes grit, determination, and dedication.” His words were compelling to me. How had Alabama responded to their loss of the season? They determined to work together as a team and "tackle" their opponent. This contact sport of football reminded me of life. It comes with many hard blows. When life knocks us down, do we get back up again and defeat our opponent or give up? As Roger Staubach once said, "If you're not playing hurt, you're not really playing football." The same can be said with life. We all experience hurt, but if we aren't living life hurt, then we aren't really living. Hurts in life have the potential to make us better if we respond with the right attitude. It's easy to respond correctly when everything is going our way, but how do we respond when things don't? Do we react in opposition to hurt, heartache, or loss of __________(fill in the blank) or act to improve what seems to be a hopeless situation? Do we crawl in a hole and die, so to speak, and quit? Do we turn to someone or something to “help” us cope? Or do we choose to ignore it and hope it goes away? Those are definitely options, but they certainly don’t fix anything. Temporarily it may ease the pain, but issues that aren't confronted can't change. We only become better if we choose to move forward and face the challenge, no matter how difficult and painful it is. It's not easy. Like football, it takes determination, dedication, and,discipline. And it can't be done on your own. You have to do your part and your teammates have to do theirs to overcome defeat. There are only two teams that matter in the state of Alabama, right? Auburn vs. Alabama. Well, there are really only two teams that matter in life. God vs. Satan. Winners vs. Losers. But, not just temporary losers. This loss is not just for 365 days as we Auburn/Alabama fans are used to. These losers are forever reminded of all their missed field goals and extra points. All missed opportunities to join God's team, will be forever remembered as they are turned away from entering Heaven to suffer in the intense flame in Hell for eternity. But, (there's always a "but" with God) if you are a player on God's team, you will always be victorious. "If God is for us, who can be against us?" (Romans 8:31b) He always defeats the opposing side and gets the "W." The opposing team (Satan, our adversary) is defeated forever! If we will trust God (the Coach) and work with Him, He will tackle our opponent and be victorious for us.  Do you know, that you know, that you know, that you're on the winning team? Lots of people think they're on the team and are going to Heaven. Many will find out when it's too late that they knew about God, but didn't know God. As we all will, one day soon, individually stand before our Maker, those who don't have an intimate relationship with Jesus will hear Him say the most disheartening words, "I never knew you. Away from Me you evildoers." (read Matthew 7:21-23) We're eternal beings, made by God and for God. He has put a GOD-SHAPED HOLE in all of us that only He can fill. You will know true happiness, success in God's eyes, and your purpose in life only when the empty spot in your heart is filled with Him.

Upon hearing Nick Saban, I not only realized his words of wisdom could challenge anyone in the game of football, but more importantly in the battle of life. His interview took my mind back to a special moment where God comforted me with three words "Return to Glory" that all started with a visit to the cemetery.  It was Monday, October 12, 2015. I went to Clark David’s spot in the Earth, the place that commemorates his life. It had been the year anniversary of his passing and I needed to remove the flowers. As I walked to his headstone, to my surprise, a floral arrangement had been left with a note from Josh. The flowers were red and white with none other than a black and white hounds tooth ribbon affixed with an Alabama "A". It caught me off guard because when Josh had previously visited his grave he left an Auburn snowman! Josh later told me, "I could just hear Clark saying what are you doing? Don’t put that here. I hate Auburn and anything about them. I will never be an Auburn fan!" It made me smile to think of that and this time see he was remembering him with colors he would've liked and a note that said, "Only for you, "ROLL TIDE!" As I cherished that bittersweet moment and was rearranging the flowers, due to the wind, the letter fell off. It was too wet and windy to figure out how to fix it so I took it with me. I couldn't throw it away. "What am I going to do with this?", I thought. When I arrived home it came to me, his room. I will put it in his room. 

As I searched for a place to put the letter, I noticed his Alabama magazine that I had seen before, but hadn't paid much attention to it like I did then. It was the 2010 Alabama National Championship Magazine with Mark Ingram on the cover kissing the crystal football trophy. I glared at the cover as I read the title, “Return to Glory, Remembering the Tide’s Perfect Season." "Return to Glory." I stopped. "Return to Glory," I read again. God graciously reminded me that Clark David indeed has "returned to glory" to be forever with God and it would be used for His glory. Psalm 73:24 calls Heaven itself "Glory.” It used to be common to hear Christians talk of death as being “received unto Glory,” which is a phrase borrowed from this Psalm. When a Christian dies, he is taken into God’s presence, and in His presence is naturally surrounded by God’s glory. We are taken to the place where God’s beauty literally resides –the beauty of His Spirit is there, because He is there. Again, the beauty of His Spirit (or the essence of who He is) is His “glory.”  In that place, His glory does not need to come through man or nature, rather it can be seen clearly, just as 1 Corinthians 13:12 says, “for now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I shall know fully just as I also have been fully known" (www.gotquestions.org). And, much to my astonishment, I found an Alabama ticket stub still lying on his bookshelf from a game he had attended. Glancing at first, then looking more intently (I don't know why), the date caught my attention. October 6, 2007. I stared. October 6, 2007. Amazing! The exact same day he left this Earth. 

Days later I heard the news again, this time telling of the Alabama football team's parade being held in their honor for winning the national title this year. My mind went back to the picture of the magazine. I felt God nudging my spirit to write about this. As I was contemplating all of this, the date on the ticket stub vividly popped in my head, but this time it was the year that was etched in my mind. October 6, 2007! That's why I had looked at it more intently. I hadn't thought of it until then, but it was no surprise to God, that exactly seven years after he attended that game, Clark David’s life would be complete. Exactly seven years! Complete! If you’re familiar with numbers in the Bible at all, you may know that the number 7 is very significant. It is used hundreds of times (approximately 50 times in the book of Revelation alone, www.creationconcept.wordpress.com). It’s the foundation of God’s Word. Seven is the number of completeness and perfection (both physical and spiritual). It derives much of its meaning from being tied directly to God’s creation of all things. It’s enlightening to see how often this number occurs in the Bible and the various ways it is used (www.biblestudy.org). Seven is "The Perfect Number" (see video). God has shown me in His Word that He knows the number of our days and no purpose of His can be thwarted (Job 42:2). Just as He determines our last breath, He determined the precise moment of Clark David's exit from Earth, decreed the number of his months, and set limits he could not exceed (Job 14:5). First it was the title of the magazine and then the ticket stub. I was amazed! God keeps affirming and giving me concrete reminders that in His permissive will, He allowed Clark David's life and purpose to be perfect and complete! 

Every one has a story and my son's story continues to be creatively woven together by the Master Weaver as He puts it in my heart.  As I look to Him, He allows me to see glimmers of hope in His beautiful tapestry. Instead of just objects lying in my son's room, I now see the magazine and ticket stub as heavenly reminders to keep my focus on eternity. He gently reminds me not to grow weary in this stopover to my heavenly destination because in due season I will reap (Galatians 6:9). In Him, I'm never alone. He is the Great Comforter. The God who comforts me in all my affliction, so that I may be able to comfort those in affliction (2 Corinthians 1:3-5). God proves He is always with me and Clark David is resting in His presence. I don't doubt it at all, but it is so satisfying to feel the touch of God’s love. Doesn't it make us feel good when someone reminds us of good memories and their love for us? It's encouraging. Heartwarming. I never forget His mercies. “The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; His mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning" (Lamentations 3:22-23).

God's messages to me are often times hard to convey, however, the I AM  has been and is directly delivering them. He is in the EYE OF THE STORM. Right in the center! Some messages have been in the form of dreams to family members and friends while others have been stories shared with me by Clark David's coworkers, friends, and family. Each one is precious to me! Sent by God Himself. My heart wants to share them with those that have been touched by his life. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows" (James 1:7 NIV). EVERY GOOD THING from above! That’s how I see it. Gifts. Good, perfect gifts signed, sealed, and delivered by Him with love. He reminds me that He is not stingy. “For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor. No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly” (Psalm 84:11 ESV). It’s so amazing how God makes Himself  known to us if we are listening, anticipating His revelation, and then giving credit where credit is due.

Since Clark David has gone to his heavenly Home, things of this world just don’t appeal to me. "What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ" (Philippians 3:8-14 NIV). "For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul?  "For to me TO LIVE IS CHRIST, and to die is gain" (Philippians 1:21).  As I mentioned in a previous post (see "Home for Christmas"), my circumstances have changed my outlook. My citizenship is in Heaven. I eagerly await His return as Savior (Philippians 3:20). I long for that place because my son is there, yes, but Christ has shown me something else. It's not the place, but the Person who resides in that dwelling I long for. It is Paradise, but Jesus is there and that is all I need! I'll be with my Heavenly Father soon, OH GLORIOUS DAY, and Clark David will be an added bonus! Years ago a friend told me, “Think of the best thing you have ever tasted; that is just a small taste of what Heaven will be like.” It reminded me of a radio broadcast I recently heard about Heaven. No matter how much you have sinned, in Christ, there can still be a place for you. Jack Graham says, "The best of Earth is an appetizer of Heaven. I have developed a taste for Heaven.. I've never been there, but I'm Homesick already." Based on what I read in scriptures, I CAN ONLY IMAGINE, what it will be like there, and what it will be like to see Jesus face-to-face (in Clark David's younger years, he loved when Mike Bentley sang this song at Seventh Street Baptist Church). As 1 Corinthians 2:9 states, 'but just as it is written, things which eye has not seen and ear has not heard, and which have not entered the heart of man, all that God has prepared for those who love Him."

God, the Refiner, is the best Teacher. He has put me in a hard class, as you may be, but with Him as my instructor I will pass this test as long as I abide in Him. He is making "DIAMONDS out of dust, diamonds out of us." Staying close to my Tutor is teaching me much. He gives me these words to share His love in a dark world, one that needs to GLOW IN THE DARK.  So many people are walking around in the dark unsure of where they are going. Only the Light can lead them out of the darkness that surrounds them.

The Father loves all the people He has created and wants no one to perish, but all to come to repentance. Jesus came to seek and save the lost. He knows all won’t be saved, for He knows the hearts of men. He gave us the inspired Word of God that tells us this. As I spoke to a packed congregation on Thursday, October 9, 2014, at my son’s funeral, and as I told him, “Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many..." (Matthew 7:13 ESV). The New Living Bible states it this way, “You can enter God’s Kingdom only through the narrow gate. The highway to Hell (hmm, reminds me of a song) is broad, and its gate is wide for the many who choose that way.” Choose? That's right. God is such a loving God He gives us a choice. He doesn’t force His love on anyone, but allows us to make the decision of where we will spend our eternity.The One true living God is a God of love, but also a God of wrath and His judgment is coming! "If it is disagreeable in your sight to serve the LORD, choose for yourselves today whom you will serve; whether the gods which your fathers served which were beyond THE RIVER, or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you are living; but as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD" (Joshua 24:15 NASB). As it is said, "Today if you hear His voice, do not harden your hearts as you did in rebellion" (Hebrews 3:15 NIV).

 

"Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved..."  (Acts 16:31 NIV).

If you have been guided here, my prayer is you have seen that God can always be found, found right in the center of  the struggle(s) you face because He allowed it (them) and loves you. The Son is always shining through your clouds if you look closely for Him. He will help you to keep PUSHING BACK THE DARK. “You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart" (Jeremiah 29:13 NIV). He desires for you to find Him and promises you will, when your heart is in the right place. He has a purpose for your pain. Also, I pray this will encourage you with the comfort, peace, and hope God has given me through the extreme sorrow of the earthly death of my son. If you call to Him He will answer, be with you in trouble, rescue you, and honor you (Psalm 91:15, Jeremiah 33:3).

This blog is my legacy to my husband and prince, Chad, my tenderhearted son, Tucker (Happy 16th Birthday today), and my precious daughter, Tess. Your grief is never forgotten. My prayer for you, as you grow in the Lord, is that you will fall more in love with Jesus and that love will guide you to be a Light in this ever increasing dark world. "Call to Me and I will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known" (Jeremiah 33:3 ESV). "Set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory (Colossians 3:2-4). 

To the rest of my surviving family, I am trusting Jesus to refine hearts by His grace and mercy through this great trial and I pray He will equip you to persevere and tell others that His Kingdom is at hand.



*God started applying His balm to my bereaved soul in many ways, music being one.You can click on the highlighted/capitalized words which are links to songs that continue to bring solace to my broken, yet healing heart.

"I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry. . .

He put a new song in my mouth. . ." (Psalm 40:1-3).

As I ponder on Christmastime this year, I wonder what it was like those many years ago on that first Christmas as the Christ child, Jesus, God in the flesh, was welcomed into the world?   What was the reaction of His earthly parents when they saw baby Jesus face to face for the first time?  How happy Joseph and Mary must have been as they turned their eyes upon Jesus and looked full into His wonderful face.  Maybe they greeted Him with “hello”.  Perhaps their smiling faces beamed with delight and joy was in their hearts as they were united together as family. Divine. Perfect!

But every earthly hello ends with a goodbye.  About thirty-three years later, Jesus suffered and died an agonizing death on a cross just for being God’s Son.  Totally sinless and perfect, but completely willing to die for all of mankind’s sins.  He left His Home and HEAVEN CAME DOWN to Earth and dwelt among us (John 1:14). However, His ultimate purpose was not to come to us, but to die for us. Three days after His death, He was raised from the dead.  He died so we might have life and live with Him forever in Heaven.  He loved us so much and wanted to share eternity with us so He came down and lived among us (John 1:12, John 3:16). He chose to leave because we were on His mind. Joseph, Mary, and Jesus, a family once united, now divided.  Separated, but only by space and time.  Apart, but not kept apart. Though apart, Jesus was in their hearts. When you love someone, hellos bring happiness and joy; goodbyes bring sadness and sometimes great pain. Thankfully, the goodbyes in Christ are only temporary. The Bible promises the believer a reception in glory at the perfect timing (II Corinthians 5:8, 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18).

This second Christmas without my son and our family united, brings heaviness to my heart. When you love someone in Heaven, you have a little bit of Heaven in your home (heart), hence the desire to be there too. My son’s death has opened my eyes more fully to understand more of what life is about, given me more of an eternal perspective, and look at Christmas in a different light. Jesus’ birth is just the beginning of what His sole purpose was. Christmas is about eternity. God is the One who placed eternity in the hearts of men (Ecclesiastes 3:11).  Therefore, His children are never truly home until they arrive at their final destination. The book "Through a Season of Grief", states it this way:

   Faith not only empowers you to get through your difficulties, but it also assures you of a coming day when tears and sorrows are no more. Faith recognizes that this world is not your ultimate home.

   "There's a longing in my soul that requires me to look up, requires me to say, 'This isn't all there is,' because it isn't enough," says Dr. Larry Crabb. "When I am hurting, others come up with the formulas and the procedures to do this and this and this and then I will be fine. My answer is this:  I'll never be fine until I'm Home."

   What does the word home typically mean to you?  Know that you were created for a different home, a better home, an eternal Home with God. This life here is not all there is.

   "Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in Heaven, not built by human hands" (2 Corinthians 5:1).

Erwin W. Lutzer, author of "One Minute After You Die" writes:

   Most of us find comfort in being told that we are going to go on living; Paul, in the Bible, was comforted in being told that he would soon be dying! He kept referring to death as that which was "far better."

   The fact that we don't view death with optimism just might be because we think of death as taking us from our home rather than bringing us to our Home! Unlike Paul, we have become so attached to our tent that we just don't want to move.

   To die is to go home to Heaven; to live is to exist in a foreign country on Earth.  Someday we'll understand this distinction much better; for now the future is ours by faith. Home is where we belong. 

In His lovingkindness, God continues to be near me. He has reminded me through a Christmas card from a dear friend, that He knows my heart is heavy and He brings Christmas peace to quite my heart. And the peace He gives is a gift the world cannot give, so don't be troubled or afraid (John 14:27). He lets me know in many ways, He is close by and always within reach.

The passing of my son has changed the way I see so many things. The Lord continues to show me what truly matters and is helping me to keep my focus on the essentials. Even though I have feelings of sadness, miss him beyond words, and am ready to meet my Savior, God lovingly reminds me to HOLD ON. He is still on His throne and scripture still rings true. He has the best plan for my life and He is fitting everything into place. He gently “whispers”, "Clark David is Home. He is Home for Christmas with Me where all My children will be. He is having the best and most perfect Christmas. He is wrapped up in My peace and held closely in My tender care. Excellent care. The best care! You will see him soon!"

God has served notice.  All farewells are on the clock. They are filtering like grains of sand through an hourglass. If Heaven's throne room has a calendar, one day is circled in red and highlighted in yellow. God has decreed a family reunion (You'll Get Through This, An Inspirational Dayspring Daybrightener, Max Lucado). Will you be joining His reunion?

It has been said, "Home is where the heart is." The online dictionary definition describes that phrase as "the places and people one loves or cherishes most;." It also mentions, "a longing for home; your home is whatever place you long to be." That longing is a desire to be where you feel comfortable, loved, and at peace. To the Christian, Heaven is that Home; where you are loved, at rest, and full of peace because Jesus fills that place. My heart is longing for that Home...because my Home is a place I've not yet been before, but I know I'm going there and all that awaits me!

In Christ, earthly goodbyes are temporary with promises of heavenly hellos and new beginnings!

This Christmas, TURN YOUR EYES UPON JESUS, look full in His wonderful face, and the things of Earth will grow strangely dim, in the Light of His glory and grace.



* God started applying His balm to my bereaved soul in many ways, music being one. Yellow capitalized words are links to songs that continue to bring solace to my broken, yet healing heart.

"I waited patiently for the Lord. He turned to me and heard my cry . . .

He put a new song in my mouth . . ." (Psalm 40:1-3)

When "It" Hits . . . Will You Be Prepared?

It doesn’t take much time to figure out this thing called life comes with many happy, fun times, but also many sad, heartbreaking times.  Like life, weather has many faces and sometimes quickly changes.  As we enjoy the bright, sunny days, we know cloudy, stormy days are ahead.  The Bible clearly states that we will have trouble in this world.  Like weather storms, life's storms are bound to come.  If Jesus tells us we will have trouble, then we WILL have trouble (John 16:33)!   Advanced technology sometimes allows us to be warned of coming storms so we can prepare for their arrival, however, life's storms may not be as easily predicted. Can we prepare before they hit though?

At the age of 25,  I accepted Jesus Christ and soon thereafter started attending Precept Bible Study.  It was there that I first heard a wise, godly teacher paraphrase the truths of John 16:33.  She said, “If you aren’t in a trial now, you will be and if you haven’t yet experienced one, get ready because "it's" coming.”  I had experienced normal ups and downs in life and some difficult seasons, even the loss of my dad, but, I still wondered if something more severe would come and if so, what would “it” be and when would “it” come?  I picked up a book this morning entitled "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp (http://www.annvoskamp.com/), which I had tossed aside and hadn't read in many months.  Her words seemed to jump off the page and I felt a connection to them as she shared them so eloquently: 

"Joy and pain, they are but two arteries of the one heart that pumps through all those who don't numb themselves to really living.  Pages of the gratitude journal fill endlessly.  Yet I know it in the vein and visceral:  life is loss.  Every day, the gnawing. . . 

What will I lose?  Health?  Comfort?  Hope?  Eventually, I am guaranteed to lose every earthly thing I have ever possessed.

When will I lose?  Today?  In a few weeks?  How much time have I got before the next loss?

Who will I lose?  And that's definite:  I will lose every single person I have ever loved.  Either abruptly or eventually.  All human relationships end in loss.  Am I prepared for that?

Every step I take forward in my life is a loss of something in my life and I live the waiting:  How and of what will I be emptied today?"

Wow!  As I read, I was once again amazed at God's timing and prompting.  "Yes!", I thought, "that's what I was thinking", but, could never have conveyed it that way.  I mean, I don't actually sit around and dwell on or worry about the future and I haven't had that gnawing feeling, but, I have definitely had very similar thoughts about those all-encompassing questions of life.  He is ultimately in control though, so I have to trust.  Because good and bad things happen in this fallen world, I have wondered and still wonder, what is God going to use to accomplish His plan and purpose for me?  I'm already able to answer some of those questions, as many people can.   How many more things will I lose?  Will one loss be harder than another?  Was losing my son the hardest thing I will face this side of heaven? Will it get harder still?  Whatever comes, let me be able to say, as Job, "Though He slay me, I will hope in Him.  Nevertheless I will argue my ways before Him" (Job 13:15).  Faith means I will take God at His Word.  I am grateful He allowed me to heed the words I heard and He used those words to teach me.   I believe that all will work for good to those that trust Him, even when all seems stacked against me. 

As a young Christian, unbeknownst to me, God was preparing me for my deep valley.  I continued to build my life on His Word and was faithful to attend church, but more importantly, to study His Word.  Even though, at times, I didn’t feel like it or would rather do something else, I stayed in Bible study groups and spent time alone with God.  This spiritual foundation that He was building in me, in His perfect timing, would soon be put to the test.

Twenty-two years after I gave my life to Christ, my storm hit!  Some trials and/or afflictions come slowly, while others hit abruptly without warning.  I can explain it no better than author Michele Cushatt (http://www.michelecushatt.com/), describing the day everything suddenly changed and the unthinkable happened as her world collapsed in a moment.  As with her story of cancer, suicide “is no respecter of persons.  It plows through a life like an unmanned car, destroying individuals, families, and dreams without the slightest hesitation.  Only those who have endured the unthinkable, understand how quickly a life can change.”  I would soon realize “it” had come and I could do absolutely nothing to change "it" nor could I ignore "it".   My world halted the moment I pulled into my driveway and heard the news I never thought I would hear!   No warning.  Well, I was warned, but not the kind of warning I would've liked.  Maybe I could've helped.  As I looked into his eyes for the last time that morning we met, I would've given anything to help his hurting heart.  But that was not God's ultimate plan, however His permissive will allowed it to happen.  God had given me advanced notice though.  I wasn't exactly aware of what might come, but He had told me I would have trouble.  He also had given me just the right amount of time He determined I needed to be equipped to face this adversity.   No matter how prepared I was, my world still suddenly changed!  Days kept passing one after another just as they always had, but these days were different.  They seemed to pass more quickly.  Even though I felt the world had stopped, time kept ticking.  The birds kept chirping.  The sun rose.  Life went on.  Somehow in God's loving care, He helped me to keep living and trusting.  There are still many times that I literally stop to remind myself of what day, month, and sometimes year it is.  That’s what this kind of cataclysmic, dreadful storm can do.  And then, with any damaging storm, you are left to sift through all the debris and rubble and try to somehow start anew.  I did not accept this lot willingly nor eagerly, but rather chose to include it as part of something broader; something only God can see and use for His glory.  God can always use our sinful choices for a greater victory, just as He did many years ago when Jesus Christ was crucified.  "God promises to render beauty out of "all things," not "each thing."  The isolated events may be evil, but the ultimate culmination is good. He redirects the energy of evil against its source.  He is the Master chess player, always checkmating the devil's moves." (Max Lucado: Hope and Help For Your Turbulent Times, An Inspirational DaySpring DayBrightener) 

Subsequently, later that night, a torrential thunderstorm came.  As I laid in bed and tried to turn off the on going thoughts in my head, the storm raged on outside.  Hopeless of my eyes ever closing, I got up.  But, to do what?  Go where?  I thought if I could somehow be close to where he last was.  His bedroom.  There, in his empty room, just me and the Lord, I found some solace.  Tears flowing, I cried out to the Lord to help me.  It was there, that God spoke to my heart in the wee hours of the morning.  Later that morning, He would use His words again to speak to me through two people whose words still bring me comfort today.  The rain kept falling and fell harder and the winds blew and beat against our house, but it did not collapse because its foundation had been built on the Rock.  I don’t think you can ever be totally prepared for what God may bring into your life nor understand His ways completely, but without a firm foundation, the chances are unfavorable for survival.  Weeks later, He would use this literal storm to reveal His messages to me through His Word which continues to enlighten, amaze, and comfort me (hopefully, more on that in a future post).

Before the foundation of the world, God knew the journey my life would take.  He has been faithful and has directed my steps, even when I wasn’t aware of His leading.  He has blessed me, kept me, walked with me, and I have lacked nothing (Deuteronomy 2:7).  Even though Satan thought, perhaps, he would destroy me and my family too, along with our witness, God has shown me He trusted me with "this."  He has brought "this" to prove the genuineness of my faith…which may result in praise, glory, and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed (1 Peter 1:6-7).  I thank Christ Jesus my Lord, who has given me strength, that He considered me faithful, appointing me to His service (1 Timothy 1:12).  Since October of last year, God continues to show me that "this" is an integral part of who I am and what I am becoming.  “And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in me will bring it to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:6).

“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock.  The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.  But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand.  The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash" (Matthew 7:24-27).

 . . . Are you preparing for "IT"?   

"I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

“AND THOUGH MY HEART IS TORN, I WILL PRAISE YOU IN THIS STORM”, and “EVEN IN THE DARKEST PLACE HIS LOVE CAN MAKE YOU RADIATE”

Lord, only with the help of Your Spirit and You being the Lifter of my head, am I able to do anything!   Thank You for always loving me, even when I fail You. Thank you for always being by my side, even when I am prone to leave Yours.  Thank You for holding me with Your righteous right hand, even when I can't feel it.  Thank You for carrying me through my dark days, even when I am unaware; forgive me when I have ignored You in my brighter days.  Thank You for giving me strength, grace, and mercy to persevere under this season of deep sorrow.   Help me to praise You the rest of my days, whatever may come my way.  You have promised me I am never alone; You have led me here and will lead me Home.  With You, there is peace in the midst of the storm.  Thank You for hope, found only in You.  I pray these things in Your holy Name.


*God started applying His balm to my bereaved soul in many ways, music being one. You can click on the highlighted/capitalized words which are links to songs that continue to bring solace to my broken, yet healing heart.

"I waited patiently for the Lord. He turned to me and heard my cry . . .

He put a new song in my mouth . . ." (Psalm 40:1-3)

A Second Chance

This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it (Psalm 118:24).

There are numerous things that fill our days.  Even though we plan and schedule our calendars, sometimes even a year in advance, it is the Lord that directs our steps (Proverbs 16:9) whether we acknowledge it or not.  Doesn't it seem many days never go as planned?  We welcome the good, happy moments of life, but what do we do and where do we turn when tragedy fills our lives?  Shall we accept good from God and not trouble?  (Job 2:10.)  He said, "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I shall return.  The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away. Blessed be the name of the LORD." (Job 1:21)

In my family, October 6, is the birthday of my father-in-law and will always be remembered as such.  Sadly, that celebration was pushed aside when my family and I were faced with the devastating realization of what had happened to my son.  This date will now be permanently etched in the minds of family members and the many friends touched by the life of Clark David Heaton, a.k.a. Clark.   Monday, October 6, 2014 became a day accompanied by shock, sadness, pain and deep grief followed by aftershocks of seismic proportions with ripple effects that will last a lifetime.  No one affected by his death wants to relive or remember the devastation, but, humanly speaking, the thought of suicide cannot be erased, however on this day another event took place.  Clark David was ushered into eternity, forgiven and is now present with the Lord!  Hallelujah! (2 Corinthians 5:8).

Have you ever wished you could be given a second chance, a redo?  I'm sure we all have wished for an opportunity to take back our sin…a wrong word spoken, a wrong thought, a wrong judgment, or a wrong action(s).  As long as we are still breathing and new opportunities present themselves, with the courage to be bold, we have the chance to make different choices. We get a redo!  Months after Clark David's funeral I was saddened to realize, because his earthly life ended by suicide, his memorial wasn’t focused on who he was but by what he had done. If I was given a second chance, or redo so-to-speak, to memorialize my son it might look something like this:

During the "winter" of my journey, when I could do nothing else, I listened to Christian music.  My "STORYTELLER" has been "WRITING HIS STORY" on my heart and so filled it, I could share his life through song.  His beautiful life had become a "SLOW FADE".  Very shortly after his death, the Lord led me to a song that I literally thought "if Clark David was a songwriter, he could've written this."  "I JUST LET GO AND I FEEL EXPOSED. BUT IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL 'CAUSE THIS IS WHO I AM."  Clark David loved to make people laugh, yet, attention and vulnerability were very uncomfortable for him.  I believe being exposed was the last thing he would want.  So, when this happened, all I could think was, "now you are exposed  for who you are: God's child!" For reasons we will never fully know, his life had a tragic ending.  He was definitely in a SPIRITUAL BATTLE, as we all are. He had become something he was not, but, this is who he is… 

The Lord blessed us with Clark David on March 14, 1995.  He was our firstborn son and only son for five years.  With HIS guidance, we brought him up in the training and instruction of the Lord and prayed he would be saved and learn to follow Him.  At the age of five on our living room sofa he accepted Jesus as his savior and was forgiven, made flawless and became free in Christ (Romans 10:9-13, Ephesians 1:7, Hebrews 10:14, Romans 6:7).  Like many first time parents, we documented precious memories of fun times together.  After his death, I asked the Lord to replace the bad memories of “that day” with pleasant reminders of his life.  He brought to mind the times Clark David would “preach” to us pretending he was Pastor Steve Britt, while wearing the robe his grandmother made.  He could imitate Steve well and did a great job! We started thinking he may follow in Steve’s footsteps. He sat under countless teachings from God’s Word by Steve, the only pastor he ever had, who baptized him at the age of six.  The day he accepted Jesus and became a child of God he was given eternal life and his name was written in the Lamb’s Book of Life.  The day Clark David called His name He made him flawless...the cross has made him FLAWLESS and he is wrapped up in righteousness.

Isaiah 61:10a “I delight greatly in the LORD; my soul rejoices in my God.  For He has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of His righteousness…

We are all made by God, for God, created in His image and made to last forever.  Our eternity will be spent in heaven or in hell. Death is not the end. There IS more to this story. Satan, along with the world, will tell you “everyone’s going to heaven.”  Don’t be deceived by the world’s way of thinking and believe Satan’s lies.  Just this past July “See You Again” was the top song of the summer.  There is truth in this song, although, only true believers will see each other again in heaven.  Non-believers will go away into eternal punishment, wrath and fury forever separated from God and anything good. (John 3:36, 2 Thessalonians 1:9, Romans 2:6-8)

Today, I remember the life of Clark David by turning the focus from his earthly defeat to gratitude that he has been "REDEEMED" by the blood of Jesus.  I am grateful that He has been set free and is safe in the everlasting arms of his Savior.  Today is the day I choose to celebrate the life he's had with Jesus for one year.  There are no goodbyes in Christ!  Unfortunately,  his name will always be associated with “suicide”, but, his identity will forever be in Christ and "GREATER IS THE ONE LIVING INSIDE OF ME THAN HE WHO IS LIVING IN THE WORLD".

Just for a little while, we are separated until the Lord Jesus is revealed.  I am anticipating the day when I “See You Again.”



* God started applying His balm to my bereaved soul in many ways, music being one. You can click on the highlighted/capitalized words which are links to songs that continue to bring solace to my broken, yet healing heart.

"I waited patiently for the Lord. He turned to me and heard my cry . . .

He put a new song in my mouth . . ." (Psalm 40:1-3)