Blessings. Birthdays. Balloons.
Standing by Balloons...
"I'm not supposed to be just a container of comfort; I'm meant to be a conduit of comfort."
Dr. Paul David Tripp
Last May, my family mistakenly left me at church. Now, I've heard of parents forgetting their children, but I've never heard a story about the parent being forgotten. We were in two vehicles that Sunday and after a brief phone call I found out, well, there was a mix-up. So as I was finding a place to stand to wait on my ride, I noticed a cluster of balloons tied to a sign in front of the church. I thought, those are pretty, I wonder why they're here? As I stood there waiting, I thought, "Lord, why have I been left here? Is there a purpose in this? I know Lord, everything in life is orchestrated by Your hand, but why I am standing here by these balloons waiting?" About that time, I noticed in the parking lot someone carrying some bags walking over towards me. It was Pam, a long-time friend from church. I spoke and asked what she was doing. She explained that she was handing out gifts (monogrammed blankets) to the graduating seniors at Northbrook and had already given Tucker (my middle son) his and was making a few final deliveries. Then, she got a little closer and the best I can remember she said, "I want to share a story with you, but I'll probably start crying." I said, "Well, I probably will too and that's okay, tears are good." Through her tears, she shared her story that touched me deeply. This is her story:
"After Clark David's death, I pondered, (I'm a ponderer too) about what I could've done that might've made a difference in his life. Immediately, I remembered that the Holy Spirit had laid on my heart to give a graduation blanket to him. I didn't do it. My thoughts were...I don't know him THAT well, he would think it was weird, y'all might feel obligated to get my children something. As I openly wept and mourned him and was so full of sorrow for you and your family, I thought, 'what if in his moment of despair that blanket had been in his sight...he saw it, and it brought to mind that someone thought of him...would that have made a difference? How would I ever know? I wasn't obedient to the Holy Spirit's prompting. From that moment on, I knew that whomever God laid on my heart to give a blanket to, I would. No matter how awkward or obscure it might seem to me; I will not be the one to to decide that. I will listen and obey without another thought. Laura Doss started monogramming each one's name on the blankets for me and I wanted to add something to it so the recipients would know my love for them through Christ. Last year (the year Tucker graduated), Laura made the tags to sew on the blankets to remind the graduates that they are "covered" in prayer. So, I give them in honor and memory of Clark David; a reminder to myself that whenever the Holy Spirit "nudges" me, I must be obedient. And it's also why I continue to teach the girls Bible Study class. I see that God has put me in their lives to mentor them through the difficult teen years."
I treasured it all in my heart and realized then, that's why I was standing by those balloons. God wanted to comfort me with a redemption story through Clark David's death and He used that time and place to do it. Through my tears, I thanked her. I told her that she had no idea what that meant to me and how grateful I was that she told me. I was happy my family left me ;). Once the blanket made it into the house from Tucker's truck days later, I took a picture of his blanket and saved the picture. What's so special about the blanket too, is the monogrammed label that reads, "Covered" in prayer, the Lindseys." Pam realizes the power of prayer and wanted to let the graduates know they are loved and "covered" by prayer.
I was eager to write a blog post about this. Like I've mentioned before, I want to listen to the Lord's prompting in writing these posts. Even though I started several times to write about it, it never transpired.
Fast forward to Monday, February 18th of this year. That morning I received a phone call from Pam. Knowing Pam, she probably wouldn't mind me sharing our conversation because she gave me permission to share her story, but to keep this part somewhat confidential, she basically called to tell me she missed seeing me at church and wanted to share her heart and talk about how that affected her. I feel certain Pam would agree that the above quote, "I'm not supposed to be just a container of comfort; I'm meant to be a conduit of comfort," was her heart. Our touching conversation that day led my heart back to where I stood last May.
Later that day, I texted Pam and asked if she would mind me sharing the reason behind the graduation blankets. She was honored and willing to give me her permission in hopes it would help strengthen someone else's walk with the Lord, for His glory. She went on to say it would be hard to articulate and put into written word because it was such a turning point in her faith. The impact the regret had on her of not being obedient to the Holy Spirit in her heart, she felt was too strong for appropriate words, but she graciously texted it out and sent it to me. I made an entry in my journal of our conversation and put it aside.
As Pam and I texted that day something she said resonated with me, "Satan attacks the core of what is most important in advancing God's Kingdom - Christian homes that are living to glorify God." Later, I couldn't help but think about how Satan tries to tempt and deceive our mind and how he was allowed to deceive Pam's (like how he deceived Clark David's mind...any of our minds into thinking wrongly and making wrong choices). Just because we perceive a thought, doesn't make it truth. Where God puts periods, Satan always puts question marks in our mind. Satan used those thoughts, questions, and distractions to convince her not to do it. "It wasn't worth it; too many things were at stake." If he can get us to think incorrectly and we take the bait, then he has caught us hook, line, and sinker as the saying goes. Satan is after our mind, but so is God. Satan knows all the battles start in the mind so that's what he attacks. God created our minds and Satan so God knew before Satan that's where the battle would start.That's why after God allowed Jesus, His only Son to be crucified, die and be buried,that He would raise Him on the third day so God could send the Holy Spirit to be our Helper. And if you might be thinking why did God create Satan and allow this? God created Lucifer (Satan) who was Heaven's most beautiful of all the angels and Lucifer was jealous of God and chose to rebel against God. Lucifer was cast down from Heaven to Earth and now is the prince of the power of the air (Ephesians 2:2), and is still prowling around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour (1Peter 5:8). But, Satan's plan backfired that day. Oh, it looked like Satan won, but no, God always has a countermove! It looks like Satan is still winning. He isn't. He has already been defeated and so has death because Jesus is alive!
Where we stand in life determines what we see. God is a God of redemption and Satan's plan has backfired here too.I told Pam, I too, had struggled with the "what if's." Nothing would've changed the outcome. Satan wants us to stay stuck in all the "what if's" and play the blame game so we will be ineffective for the Kingdom. It started in the Garden of Eden and still goes on today. But God is sovereign over all and is the Author of life and death period (Deuteronomy 32:32, 1 Samuel 2:6). All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be (Psalm 139:16). A person's days are determined; You have decreed the number of his months and have set limits he cannot exceed (Job 14:5). I pondered all that in my heart and time rocked on. Still no blog post.
As Pam and I texted that day something she said resonated with me, "Satan attacks the core of what is most important in advancing God's Kingdom - Christian homes that are living to glorify God." Later, I couldn't help but think about how Satan tries to tempt and deceive our mind and how he was allowed to deceive Pam's (like how he deceived Clark David's mind...any of our minds into thinking wrongly and making wrong choices). Just because we perceive a thought, doesn't make it truth. Where God puts periods, Satan always puts question marks in our mind. Satan used those thoughts, questions, and distractions to convince her not to do it. "It wasn't worth it; too many things were at stake." If he can get us to think incorrectly and we take the bait, then he has caught us hook, line, and sinker as the saying goes. Satan is after our mind, but so is God. Satan knows all the battles start in the mind so that's what he attacks. God created our minds and Satan so God knew before Satan that's where the battle would start.That's why after God allowed Jesus, His only Son to be crucified, die and be buried,that He would raise Him on the third day so God could send the Holy Spirit to be our Helper. And if you might be thinking why did God create Satan and allow this? God created Lucifer (Satan) who was Heaven's most beautiful of all the angels and Lucifer was jealous of God and chose to rebel against God. Lucifer was cast down from Heaven to Earth and now is the prince of the power of the air (Ephesians 2:2), and is still prowling around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour (1Peter 5:8). But, Satan's plan backfired that day. Oh, it looked like Satan won, but no, God always has a countermove! It looks like Satan is still winning. He isn't. He has already been defeated and so has death because Jesus is alive!
Where we stand in life determines what we see. God is a God of redemption and Satan's plan has backfired here too.I told Pam, I too, had struggled with the "what if's." Nothing would've changed the outcome. Satan wants us to stay stuck in all the "what if's" and play the blame game so we will be ineffective for the Kingdom. It started in the Garden of Eden and still goes on today. But God is sovereign over all and is the Author of life and death period (Deuteronomy 32:32, 1 Samuel 2:6). All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be (Psalm 139:16). A person's days are determined; You have decreed the number of his months and have set limits he cannot exceed (Job 14:5). I pondered all that in my heart and time rocked on. Still no blog post.
As we age, we all know our eyesight changes. We don't see as clearly as we once did. Everything starts to get blurry. As with life. When we don't have the right perspective our vision is impaired. We don't see things as we should which may even cause us to become cynical (distrustful, believing the worst of others, sarcastic, selfishly or callously calculating, negative or pessimistic). God has to get our attention. Because He loves us so much, He uses our afflictions, in whatever sizes they come, for His purposes, "so I can be all that I am." In February I heard a message on Psalm 73 about coming into the sanctuary of the Lord, coming near the Lord, and when we do, He reveals Himself to us. He wants us to listen to Him and not the world. The man said it's where you stand in life that determines what you see. You will see things differently based on your perspective. Only God can change your perspective and allow you to see as He does. I know that's what He has done so many times in my life and I'm grateful. Because of where I stood and am standing, God has changed my vision and keeps changing my vision, therefore my perspective is different and my spiritual vision is becoming clearer.
So, today, Thursday, March 14th, (when I first started this post) my plan was to write about the blankets in memory of what would've been Clark David's 24th birthday. I felt it was time to write even though I never know when I start if and when I will publish it (I still have two posts I've not shared). I dropped off my daughter, Tess, at school (by the way for almost the last time this week...her 16th birthday is Tuesday :)). It was pouring down rain as I listened to the radio on the way home. Three songs came on that God used to comfort my hurting heart in missing Clark David. The first one was by For King and Country, "GOD ONLY KNOWS." 'Nobody sees you - nobody would believe you - everyday you try to pick up all the pieces - all the memories - they somehow never leave you - nobody sees you...God only knows what you've been through - God only knows the real you - there's a kind of love that God only knows.' That song not only spoke to me about myself and my relationship with the Lord, it also reminded me of Pam and how it would be hard to explain well, the relationship she had with the Lord in what He did in her life when she found out about Clark David's death.This kind of relationship is one "God only knows." Then, the song "SCARS" by I Am They came on. It's where I am. It's just where anybody is that has been afflicted and been through the intense flames of adversity and has turned to the Lord for help. 'Waking up to a new sunrise - looking back from the other side - I can see now with open eyes - darkest water and deepest pain - I wouldn't trade it for anything - 'cause my brokenness brought me to You and these wounds are a story You'll use - so I'm thankful for the scars - 'cause without them I wouldn't know Your heart - and I know they'll always tell of who You are - so forever I am thankful for the scars - my brokenness brought me to You and I see You and understand more of Your heart - I am not who I was before - I can see how You delivered me and I found my victory - I will tell of who You are.' Before I got home the very next and last song was "BETTER FOR IT" by Cullman native Riley Clemmons. I love the lyrics to this song too because, 'I wouldn't say I would've chosen it - that time I hit the bottom and it hurt a little bit - funny how being down can make you look up, but I'm better for it - all I could see in the moment was my heart and how it felt ripped open, I'll admit - I found You down low in the brokenness and now I'm better for it - I count it all as joy even when I'm in the flame - 'cause I know You always - gimme, gimme, gimme grace when I need it - hindsight 20/20, now I see that - You let me be where I've been - so I can be all that I am - gimme, gimme, gimme faith to believe that - when it hurts, there's a real good reason - You let me be where I've been - so I can be all that I am - I used to think pain was a consequence - but now I kinda think it might be the perfect gift You use to get me straight to You - and I'm better for it.'
After hearing those songs and getting back home to the computer, I was reflecting on where I've been in my brokenness and I started typing...
We all have some sort of brokenness we live in and even though mine isn't the same as yours, pain is pain, heartache is heartache, and loss is loss. No matter what you're going through whether it be small or big, life isn't easy and we all have sin struggles. We all face battles, some more intense than others, but no one escapes life unscathed. We might as well be honest (IF WE'RE HONEST) so we can grow and learn through each others stories and be comforted and encouraged by them. We never know how God can use what we experience to help others along their journey when we're willing to let others in. As I was in the middle of writing, I paused to look outside. The hard rain had quit when I got home, but at that moment, it started misting rain, a sign of blessing. Like the rain and tulips in my last post, it reminded me of Franklin Graham's prayer at Donald Trump's Presidential Inauguration (click to view). I started thinking differently. Instead of writing exclusively about the gift from Pam, I started to focus more on the balloons and where I stood at Northbrook. I clearly saw, through tear filled eyes, why my writing had been delayed. God had gone before me, as He always does, and had me stand by the balloons in order to send me another blessing ten months later. His "tug from above" took my heart back to the colorful balloons tied to that sign and God was letting me know He doesn't forget anyone. I just knew, I had this feeling God had me there for a specific reason and He did. I thought, Lord, You are so faithful and when I patiently wait on YOU, You work everything out in Your time. I just have to be in tune to Him, expecting and looking for Him and He always comes through. So, God showed me why He caused my eyes to notice the balloons that day. God knew He would use the balloons to help me celebrate the 19 years of memories we have of Clark David's life. God delivered birthday balloons via Heaven to my heart to comfort me.
I received several unexpected texts yesterday from family and friends and I am grateful for each one!!! Each text was such an encouragement to me and shows the love we have for each other. One came from Josh Reed, Clark David's good friend. It always touches my heart to hear from his friends. I know they miss him so! I'm looking forward to going to Josh and Summer's wedding in June even though I know it will be a bittersweet day. One text came from my friend Julie Fillinger whose son passed away a year before Clark David. She understands the importance of celebrating life, but most importantly to be reminded of eternal life and what we have to look forward to. God is so good to use just the right people at just the right time to comfort us so we don't feel alone. Another text came from our long-time friend Wendy Brandon (and her husband Scott). She's the Wendy I wrote about two years ago that showed up with a birthday cake unexpectedly in memory of Clark David. She wanted to send me a hug, let me know she was remembering Clark David's birthday and asked if we had any special plans and if so, could they meet us somewhere. The tornadic, stormy weather cooperated and we made plans for dinner. I know that Buffalo Wild Wings would've been his favorite place to eat in Cullman so we planned to meet there.
Not surprising to me, I didn't get finished writing and had to put it on pause to head to the restaurant. I knew the Lord must have more things in store....
And He did. We were glad to see our friends we haven't seen in awhile. Characteristically of Wendy, here she came carrying a cake. Guess what was on it this time? As another Pam friend of mine would say, "I'll give you three guesses and the first two don't count." That's right....balloons! That may be little to you, but from where I stood, it was big. God always shows up and never disappoints. It's just like Him, well, He's always present, but God showed off. Wendy had no idea about the balloons, nor the blog idea and she brought a cake with balloons on it! That's all the confirmation I needed; God affirming the "balloons from Heaven" and prompting me to keep writing. Not that I needed any confirmation, but I thought wow, Lord, how You speak to my heart. I continue to be amazed how big God is and yet how intricately He is involved in our lives because He cares and loves us so deeply and wants us to experience His love. God promises in His Word that we will lack no good thing. "So when God promises that we will lack no good thing, He means we will lack nothing that would bring us more of God. We will have absolutely everything that will bring us more of God" (Steve Fuller). We enjoyed our visit. As we caught up on life, we laughed and had fun spending time together. It was such a sweet blessing. Providentially, two different people in the restaurant were celebrating their birthday's. The employees and restaurant guests participated in the singing. To me, it's as if God used even those birthday songs to sing over Clark David in celebration of his birth (with loud singing and it was really loud). I still was unable to finish my writing to post it on his birthday...
Balloons are always associated with festive occasions and add color and fun to any moment. They are often seen at birthday celebrations and when my children were younger, balloons were always displayed at their birthday parties. Thanks to God, this celebration of life was no different. God used even the balloons on the cake to show me how involved He is. It may not mean as much to you as it does me, it probably doesn't and that's okay because 'God only knows' and that's all that matters.
Today, March 15th, has been another busy day and lots of little "interruptions," but I know one day I will complete this. The "juices didn't seem to be flowing" as the saying goes. However, I received another surprise text message today from Kathy Skinner, the mom of Clark David's friend, Michael. I thought, well the love and encouragement keep coming. Then, my mother-in-law stopped by. Because of the stormy, rainy weather yesterday, she was unable to get flowers for Clark David's grave. So, she delivered them today and wanted me to see the picture. Another special delivery. Like me blogging for therapeutic reasons and to share my story, she loves to fix flowers for him. She knows he isn't at the grave, but it makes her feel good in remembering him in that way just like it does for me to remember him through writing. We all have unique hearts and remember our loved ones in different ways. If I would've posted yesterday, then I would've missed adding the flowers to this post and the Scriptures along with it. I'm glad she came.
All the lyrics to the songs I heard Thursday spoke to me about where my life was before and where my life is now. Even though the pain is still there, I am "better for it" and I praise the Lord for it.
As I looked up the songs to be able to link them to the titles of the songs, I watched the video to "GOD ONLY KNOWS." Little did I know when I heard the song that it was about a girl contemplating suicide. I was so surprised. I had no idea that song was about that. How providential again. "God only knows" what people really struggle with. We never know how our love to someone else can make their day. We are never guaranteed tomorrow, but the choices we make today determine our tomorrow. "Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away" (James 4:14). Today may be your last day to live the way God intends for you to, loving Him and loving others. I pray for those who may read this who are down and out and harassed by the Enemy. Satan would like for you to "throw in the towel." Don't let him get a stronghold in your life. Focus on the cross, what Jesus did for you, and His love for you and cry to Him for help. He will come to your rescue.
So, yesterday came and went too. Today is March 16 as I write and still an unpublished post. I think this may be why. It's what the Spirit put on my heart anyway. After leaving Tess' track meet late this evening, we ran by her favorite restaurant...Chick-Fil-A. As we were heading home I said, well, we could stop by and see the flowers at the cemetery. As I stood there briefly and looked at the flowers and took a picture, I remembered today was the day four years ago that his headstone was erected at the cemetery. I will never forget that day. I think I mentioned this in another post, but it was the second worst day of my life. It was just hard seeing it "finalized" by this large stone with big letters of our son's last name. But, it was a precious moment to me to end the day as my husband, Chad stood there and said, "Happy Birthday Clark David." Then, he put his arm around me and we walked back to the car. I knew I would publish this post tonight.
Your birthday is always remembered by those who love you and we are grateful you were and are still a part of our lives and the memories of you still linger on.We wait in joyful hope. Our soul waits for the Lord; He is our help and shield. For our heart is glad in Him because we trust in His holy name. Let Your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us, even as we hope in You (Psalm 33:20-22).
Indeed, none who wait for You shall be put to shame; they shall be ashamed who are wantonly treacherous.
Make me to know Your ways, O Lord; teach me Your paths. Lead me in Your truth and teach me, for You are the God of my salvation; for You I wait all the day long (Psalm 25:3-5).
The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness; He will quiet you by His love; He will exult over you with loud signing (Zephaniah 3:17).
In Christ Jesus you have the guarantee of eternal life with Him. Life may be unsettling, but a place of unparalleled beauty and joy awaits the one who knows Christ as Savior, Lord, and Life. Heaven is real, and its blessings are sure. In Christ Jesus you have the Source of true life.
--Charles Stanley
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full (John 10:10).
Just and true are Your ways, King of the ages (Revelation 15:3)
....When the fires of affliction draw songs of praise from us, we are indeed purified, and our God is glorified! --Sreams in the Desert, L.B. Cowman
"May all our affliction, regardless of what it may be in this life, only be a tool of the Lord to contrast our vision to see Christ as the infinite treasure He really is." --Unknown
"If God is our greatest treasure, then what makes something good is whether it brings us more of God." He is my all-satisfying treasure." --Steve Fuller
For the LORD God is a sun and shield: the LORD will give grace and glory: no good thing will He withhold from them that walk uprightly (Psalm 84:11 KJV). Young lions lack food and go hungry, but those who seek the LORD will not lack any good thing (Psalm 34:10 CSB).
Much love and prayers for you and yours....
For His name's sake....to God be the glory, Amen.
P.S. Thank you, Pam Lindsey for sharing your heart with me.
And as always, thank you Wendy and Scott for your friendship, sharing March 14th with us, making more memories and making us laugh! We love y'all.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
If you are battling with depression, addiction, or suicidal thoughts, please know YOU ARE NOT ALONE! You are not weak for admitting your need for help! You are not a burden to anyone! Don't believe the lies in your head! YOU ARE LOVED, but more importantly, you are loved by God, your Maker. Help IS available. Choose to talk to someone, share your feelings and get help!
