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| In Loving Memory of Those Who are No Longer with Us But Forever in Our Hearts |
If you wind up here, I pray the Lord use this to speak to you in some way, but this is really to help me and to be obedient to what I feel the Holy Spirit leads me to do.
For reasons not known to me, it seems I'm compelled to write on the anniversary of Clark David's earthly death and birthday's more than other times. It's like it forces or propels me to get out what's on my mind. It's partially therapeutic, however I do feel called by God to write. And it’s amazing how He affirms that to me.
I wanted to publish this particular post before the other three I posted last October (2022), but honestly, I didn't want anyone that might read this that knows me (it's not like many people probably read this anyway and that's okay!) to think my focus at Tucker's wedding was missing Clark David. Clark David's absence was a fact and I missed him. But that was not my focus. Loss can make life difficult to navigate through sometimes. I posted about the excitement of Tucker's wedding and two other posts right after that that easily flowed out. But I hadn't yet written what had been on my heart so heavy concerning the emptiness I felt and conflicts that arose only a few people new about that weekend. Do I have to write about that? No! But do I keep feeling prompted to? Yes! Like I mentioned, it's for me, but maybe for other purposes I don't know about. And when I say "emptiness," I'm not talking about completely feeling empty like containing nothing. I'm talking about marked by the absence of human life. The absence of my son's life at such a monumental time.
Sometime last year prior to the wedding, I listened to one of Rick Burgess' Wednesday Bible studies and he referenced the number eight, its significance in God's Word, and its meaning of "new beginnings." I cannot recall if I'd heard that before, but upon hearing it at that specific time, I became keenly aware of what it meant to me. Naturally, I knew I was in year eight without Clark David because if I made it to October 6, 2022, it would be eight full years since I'd seen his handsome face. Eight years since I'd seen his smile that lit up his face. Eight years of not hearing his voice. Eight plus years of not touching him because that didn't happen often. Eight whole years of not seeing his human body and missing him (every day). Period!!!!!!!! So, having heard that about the number enlightened me. I was led to write about it in my October 5, 2022 post, specifically about the more monumental things like Tucker getting married and DJ coming into Tess's life which I saw as "new beginnings" for our family since our tragedy of "losing" Clark David. Of course, life goes on whether we want it to or not. That's beside the point. And I do want it to go on, it's just a different type of going on. I know I don't have a choice in the matter and wouldn't change it even if I could. Each day is one day closer to Home for me. And "Father knows best” (haha a sitcom in the 70's ;). But my Father does know best! God was showing me in small and big ways, both physically and spiritually, that "new beginnings" were happening. Not to mention that DJ came to a saving knowledge of the Lord Jesus Christ and was born-again! A glorious "new beginning." Brand new. All glory be to Christ!!!!!!!!
As I excitedly anticipated Tucker's wedding, especially as it got closer, I was so grateful the Lord allowed Maddy to be the bride Tucker chose. It was bittersweet for me though. Clark David wasn't here to witness and be a part of this significant event in our family's life. I missed him not getting to witness his little brother get married to his best friend, Maddy. It hurt to know, this side of eternity, he would never meet her and get to know her. I wanted him to know he is still in my heart (of course never to part). I wanted him to know I wore my silver pendant of his thumb print (given to me by Beth Evans who lost her son before me) dangling from my pearl bracelet in his memory. His grandmother got my attention before we walked down the aisle and showed me, she too had her bracelet on :). I wanted him to know I missed him being in the wedding. I wanted him to know there was a memory table with a picture of him and Tucker displayed that Tucker hand-picked. The bridesmaid's and I got to view the memory table together and that was a touching moment. I want him to know, no one has forgotten; life just goes on. I mean I know I cannot tell him that and there's no need to even if I could. It's all handled by Almighty God; His fingerprints are dangling all over it.
During Rick's Bible study, he also talked about similar feelings and thoughts he had in regard to the loss of his two-year old son. He talked about how he was watching his older son play in a baseball game. As his son rounded the base and he saw the back of his jersey with "Burgess" on it, it resonated with him that he would never get to see his son, Bronner, play baseball (not that that was Rick's focus of his son's life). As he watched, it's as if he heard the Lord say to him, "Bronner was never going to play baseball or do any of the other things you wished he would." In that moment, for me, I thought yes, that's right. God knew the number of Clark David's days, and nothing can thwart that allotted time. Nothing. God is completely 100 percent sovereign. That is a fundamental truth of the character of God. Clark David was never supposed to be on Earth at this time nor anytime passed October 6, 2014. Period. I had already come to that knowledge and accepted it, but hearing Rick share his heart brought me comfort and it was so timely.
Also, side note... no one or nothing is to blame. Like if we can find someone or something to blame it might somehow make us feel better to have a concrete answer. No! The secret things belong to God it says in Deuteronomy 29:29 and His ways are beyond finding (look it up, don't take my word for it). But isn't that what we can do many times?! Play God and then try to blame? Just like Adam and Eve in the Garden with their Father God. Eve blamed the serpent God made. And Adam blamed God for giving him a woman. God is God. Do you ever cross paths with people who think they know the secret things? Like things only God can know? How prideful we human beings are. The Bible says, which is the truth of what God says because it's God-breathed (2 Timothy 3:16). He works all things according to the counsel of His will (Ephesians 1:11). All things according to the counsel of His will. Not my will, nor yours, or what anyone else thinks (will), but His will! Sometimes it's not His perfect will but is His permissive will. It's still His will. As Nancy Guthrie said in her book, has anyone stopped to blame sin? Newsflash: Through one man Adam sin came into the world. Sin is to blame for what we try to blame others for.
Just prior to the actual wedding ceremony in hot, sweltering July, the bride, clothed in her wedding dress was standing in a field of tall grass for a photo shoot. I noticed from a distance as I peered out of the plate glass windows in the bridal suite that the photographer seemed to be messing with the layers of tulle on Maddy's dress a lot. When Maddy returned to the suite, though still beautiful, she was glistening with perspiration and quickly squealed but not with delight. "Get them out, get them out!" While in the field, those lovely layers of delicate white tulle had invaded some tiny, green critters habitat...grasshoppers! And they did what grasshoppers do. Hopped right on up in the underside of her dress. She needed them out, and quickly! The ceremony was fast approaching. I know those grasshoppers naturally shifted Maddy's focus momentarily because she could feel them and those tiny critters no doubt made her anxious and perspire some more. However, help came to the rescue as we quickly squashed them, and time was on her side to cool off. They could've wreaked a little more havoc by causing us to spend extra time exterminating them if Maddy would have had to remove her dress. No doubt that would've caused more anxiety and perspiration due to time constraints, but that didn't happen. And Maddy did not let that upset her. She seemed calm, collected, and cool (thanks also to the air conditioning).
Even though it was such a wonderful time, and I enjoyed preparing for the rehearsal dinner and festivities centered around the wedding, there were things happening behind the scenes to try and "shift my point of view." Before Clark David passed away there were a couple of special Scriptures I held dear and still do. One was Revelation 21:5 about how God is making all things new. And He is. But after my world was shaken by his earthly death, John 10:10 became pronounced to my spiritual eyes.
The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly (John 10:10).
When all was over and everything settled down after the wedding, I had time to reflect on the kindness and goodness of my heavenly Father and His faithfulness to me. God used those little critters as a picture to show me that's just what the devil does. He tries to get us focused on something other than where our focus should be. He's always trying to wreak so much havoc in Christians lives. We have to learn his tactics and be aware of his M. O. "Satan does not tempt us just to make us do wrong things -- he tempts us to make us lose what God has put into us through regeneration, namely, the possibility of being of value to God. He does not come to us on the premise of tempting us to sin, but on the premise of shifting our point of view and only the Spirit of God can detect this as a temptation of the devil," (quote taken My Utmost for His Highest-September 18 His Temptation and Ours, Oswald Chambers).
The Holy Spirit is my Helper. He continues to help me to see a different perspective as I keep in step with Him. I can only keep in step with Him when I obey Him and feed my Spirit and starve my flesh. My flesh, just like yours, wants what it wants. My flesh can also get angry when it shouldn't or have bad thoughts that it shouldn't. I have to ask the Lord to help me have self-control as Galatians 5:23 says. I'm still learning to recognize the enemy's tactics and not react but respond differently. Anything or anyway he can, he tries to lure us to believe his lies and steer us in another direction which can easily tempt us to let our emotions be the engine that fuels our focus. There's nothing wrong with expressing God-given emotions in a God honoring way. He gave them to us for His purposes, but as I've heard my sister say, "Emotions make bad bus drivers." We’re either a conduit for the enemy or a conduit for the Holy Spirit. A conduit for the devil was used to get to me flustered and in a pit just moments before walking down the aisle for Tucker's wedding. As hard enough as it was without Clark David (for me), the enemy did not deter me or steal one bit of my joy that day. BUT GOD! He fights my battles and quickly came to my rescue. Praise Him!!
God was bringing a male and female together through Holy Matrimony to be husband and wife, so it was a time for celebration of what the Triune God was joining together. Another side note...God does not bring a male and male or female and female together as one. That is not what God says marriage is, therefore, it's not a marriage. It's actually blasphemy against a holy God, but I digressed. The reason I mentioned John 10:10 is because anytime the Lord is moving, the devil's on the hunt. Which is all the time basically. Scripture says our adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walks about seeking whom he may devour (1 Peter 5:8). The Lord helped me to dodge the darts of the enemy. He helped me be sober (well balanced and self-disciplined). Satan or his minions tried to take so much from me that weekend it was mind boggling. He's already tried to take so much. Key word is "tried." See, he didn't succeed, he didn't pounce on me, and he hasn't succeeded. By. The. Way. In God's economy, God always has a countermove. Just look at the cross! Satan will soon be squashed forever.
So, don't get ahead of the Master and jump to conclusions with your judgments before all evidence is in. When he comes, he will bring out in the open and place in evidence all kinds of things we never even dreamed of--inner motives and purposes and prayers. Only then will any one of us get to hear the "Well done!" of God (1 Corinthians 4:5, The Message Bible).
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